What is it about married men, and women for that matter, that makes them more antsy during the holiday season? I cannot count the number of “hey sexy’s” I’ve received over the past five or so years from random x’s, old high school friends  and flings, etc. during the holiday season.

They say married men are the happiest people alive, followed by single women, single men, then married women. So what makes them want to go out and seek something “more” during the holidays? Is it that their wives are too busy wrapping and cooking pies to pay attention to them? Are they nostalgic for their younger, more playful years? Or are they just tired of playing Santa Claus – stressed about the financial burdon of the holidays, and wishing for something more? Maybe it’s that they have time off during the holiday season. They hope to make one special, secret, Christmas wish just for themselves.

I’m not sure what it is.

I know I’m feeling pretty antsy these days myself. I think it’s that I’m lonely. Even here, in blog land, I feel like I’m writing to myself. No one is reading what I’m writing, so sometimes, it’s hard to not feel like “what’s the point?” Somewhere under all that crumpled wrapping paper is a sadness. It’s something that all the gifts, eggnog, and even warm chocolate chip cookies in the world can’t feed fast enough.

No one asks grown ups what we want for Christmas. If they do, it’s the obligatory ask. It’s the “what do I HAVE to get you to make you happy” ask. It’s not the soul-searching kind of ask: What would really FILL you this holiday season? What would warm your heart?

I don’t think we even bother to ask ourselves what we want. We just go through the motions. There are lists to check off, Susie added that last minute gift she’s just DYING for, and – of course - there are those pies to bake.

I was scanning the Craigs List classified today in shear bordom. I was saddened (but hopeful in a misery loves company sort of way) to find that I”m far from alone in feeling extra lonley during the holiday season. There, I found dozens of postings by people who will be alone this year on Christmas. It’s depressing.

I won’t be alone, but I will feel alone. It won’t be any different than most days and nights are for me. I’ll go through the motions and I’ll hope my children are too occupied with their gifts to notice. I’ll put on a good show and try not to get extra sappy or emotional at the small things.

Maybe it’s normal to feel this way. Maybe there just ISN’T a Santa Claus and it’s about time I figured it out. Maybe all those Santas out there are just looking for a five minute hop on Santa’s lap and have very little interest in anything else. I’m really not sure.

I don’t have time – just like I don’t have time to really figure out what I”d like for Christmas this year – to feel sorry for myself. There are veggie trays to put out, eggs to boil, and last minute presents to wrap. Tonight, I’ll look up to the stars and thank God for all that I do have in my life. And pray that a Christmas Angel is up there, somewhere, knowing what to send me.

Happy Holidays to all. I hope none of you feel alone this Christmas season! And if you do? I sure know a girl who’d love to keep ya company…

(You know where to find me).

-Yellow Doll

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